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Russian popular jokes – “Anekdoty”
By Vlada 22 September 07
…Or another thing you won’t learn about in a Russian course…
Moscow, 6 am. I’ve just got up to go to the airport to fly back to London. To wake up, I turn on the telly and see a popular old actor, sitting at table with other celebrities, saying “… so, Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but she had terrible diarrhoea!”… followed by giggles in the audience… “and then the fairy godmother comes and says…”
What on earth is this?! It’s an “anecdote” show! These popular short jokes are so much part of Russian social culture that they gave rise to several TV shows, they get published in newspapers and on the net, and punch lines from well-known jokes have become a point of reference in Russian culture. Where do these jokes come from? No one knows! No one seems to write them specially but they just appear and get passed on, from person to person, then get forgotten or changed. The ability to tell a good joke is a valuable social skill. An occasion to put one in usually comes up in conversation, a joke related to the subject brightens it up. Some people can tell jokes non-stop, all through a party, they collect them and pass them on.
Believe it or not, Russians like to have a good laugh. However gloomy we may seem in the street or in public places (I myself am a culprit, the phrase “cheer up, lady!” is a standard from builders and guys passing me by in the street in this country), when they get together with friends and family, there is nothing like a good joke. We like to laugh at our own inadequacies and national traits, at our history and politicians, at different nationalities and even literary characters. Knowing a few funny jokes would help you to break the ice in any Russian-speaking company. Just make sure they are funny…
Out of the huge sea of jokes you can single out several themes: jokes about Russian life and national heroes (In particular one guy called Vassily Ivanovich and his friend/ assistant Pyetka – they were both heroes of the Civil War which followed the Revolution of 1917 and became cult figures, the jokes though are all focussed on how dim they are…), about other nationalities within Russia and abroad, about real-life celebrities and politicians, about professions, husbands and wives. There are jokes meant for children, told at schools. There are jokes containing foul language, so rude that they can seriously offend people. By the way, all the jokes I’ve ever seen published in Russian textbooks are painfully unfunny. To be fair, so are the ones I regularly read in newspapers.
In the Soviet times there were rumours about a whole research institute in the USA making anti-Soviet jokes and distributing them on the territory of the Soviet Union, to bring down the morale of the population. It’s a funny idea but I don’t think it can be true because the whole point of a good joke is that it improves the morale of the people even if it’s making fun of their life. Some Soviet anecdotes were “forbidden” (that is, they made fun of the party leaders) and were told quietly in people’s houses. And in Stalin’s time, of course, one could get into very serious trouble for telling the wrong joke. But people still told them!
Jokes even get nicknames: old and well known jokes are called “bearded” (so old that they have grown a beard!); primitive ones are called “army jokes”; silly ones are called “childrens’”. People always precede an anecdote with the phrase “Would you like me to tell you an anecdote?” – “Hochesh, anecdot rasskazhu?”, and then of course tell it, whether you want it or not!
By the way, would you like me to tell you what happened to Cinderella in that joke? The fairy godmother came and said “I know you have a diarrhoea problem Cinderella, so I am going to give you a crystal stopper for your bottom.. But beware: At midnight it’ll turn into a pumpkin.”
And of course, this entry would be incomplete without some samples of “anekdoty”, translated into English:
On the Russian character:
How do you make an inexperienced recruit jump with a parachute for the first time? To an American, you should say: “If you are a real man, you will jump!” To an Englishman, you should say: “Sir, this is a tradition”. To a Frenchman: “This is a lady’s request”. To a German: “This is an order!” To a Russian you should say: “It is prohibited to jump!”
On different nationalities:
British, American and Russian police are taking part in a competition to decide who’s best at catching criminals. They are given a task: a hare has been let loose in the forest, and they need to catch it.
English policemen establish a network of informers among the animals throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses, and after three months of hard work come to the conclusion that hares do not exist in nature.
Americans break into the forest, scour it for two weeks, cannot find the hare, burn down the forest, kill everyone including the hares, and leave without apologising.
Russians go into the forest for two hours and come back with a badly beaten bear who is crying: “Yes, I admit I’m a hare! Just stop beating me!”
On “new Russians”, or the nouveau riche:
The daughter of a new Russian is writing an essay for school: “Once upon a time there lived a poor girl. She lived in a poor family, and the servant in this family was also poor, and their driver was poor.”
On vodka: – Vodka?! In the morning?! Warm?! Out of a soap dish?!!! … OF COURSE I WOULD LOVE TO!
A 200 percent spirit is invented. An American tries it. After one glass, he’s dead. A Frenchman has a go – he gets two glasses down before he drops dead. A Russian tries. Ten glasses later, he says: “This is outrageous! They’ve only just invented it, and already they’ve diluted it with water!”
On the English:
Three elderly English ladies are sitting in the garden, knitting. Suddenly a gorilla jumps out of the bushes, grabs one of the ladies and carries her into the woods. The other two carry on knitting… Half an hour later, one of them says: “I wonder what is it about her that he liked?”