Russian Blog
This is a blog by JustRussian about learning Russian. You will find useful tips for learning Russian, Russian courses available in London, information about Russian culture and links to websites with information for students of Russian.
Russian families
By Vlada 16 November 10
More stories from a Russian teacher, or something that may be interesting for you to know, but won’t be mentioned in a Russian course in London!
It was the beginning of Gorbachev’s perestroika at the end of the 80-s, and for the first time ever we got easy access to Western pop music. It came in very handy for me because I was a student and my English (which I was supposed to know very well at that point) was not very good, sadly. Especially dismal was the situation with listening comprehension: whole sentences, when said by native speakers, sounded like one huge word that did not make any sense! Anyone who has learned a foreign language in an academic style will know what I mean. One good (and fun!) way of improving it was listening to pop songs in English… So one day, when a mass of incomprehensible gibberish in one particular song by Sting, after being listened to a dozen of times, started to turn into real words and sentences, I heard very clearly – “...because Russians love their children too…” and got rather hurt for the nation! How do you mean – “love their children too?!” They love them so much that they are spoiled rotten and treated like kids until they are well into their late twenties, and often for the rest of their lives!
In the Soviet times, when we were supposed to have a “classless” society of equals, there was a slogan “We have one privileged class – our children”, and another one “Children must get the best of what we have!” (“Vse luchshee – detyam!”), which tells you something about the Russian culture.
Children are very important for Russians, and family ties are very strong. Parents and grown up children often live together, and some kids never leave the family home. Why is this? Partly for economic reasons – very few young people can afford their own flat or house; and partly for practical reasons – when people have children, their parents, and especially a live-in retired babushka or even a pra-babushka (the grandmother or great-grandmother) provide free round the clock childcare and housekeeping, while the younger generation is busy making a career and earning money. I must say I think it’s a great arrangement: it gives the older people a sense of purpose and value in life, and instils in kids a sense of family and continuity. That said, my heart goes out to the millions of Russian women who share their kitchen, and, ultimately, their life, with their mothers-in-law! I myself was brought up by my babushka, and I think it gave me a much better perspective on life and the culture of my country: the span of my memory, through her stories, goes far beyond not only my own life, but my parents’ lives!
I should say though that those young families who can afford to have their own accommodation, almost always do choose to do so, understandably, but keep in very close contact with the family. Generally, being in close contact with family gives Russians a sense of security, a sense that everything is all right in the world.
As a result of this collective living, people (and especially children) are not used to having any “private space”, so much valued in the English culture. The situation where a kid or a teenager would have his/her own lockable room where no one else is supposed to go, is hardly imaginable in Russian culture. I myself didn’t have any private space until the age of about 27-28 when I started living on my own, and I don’t think it had any adverse effect on me…
In Russia people usually get married very young, by Western standards, and have children in their 20s, although this tendency is now changing towards the Western norm, especially in big cities. As a result of young marriages there are a lot of glamorous young grandmothers whose grandchildren can be easily mistaken for their children. As a downside, early marriages often lead to divorce because they are less “thought through” and mature.
As I have already mentioned, it is very important for Russians to have kids. The kids are seen as a guarantee (unless you are really unlucky!) of being cared for in one’s old years. Childless people are seen as deprived of an important aspect of life, and are often pitied.
On the other hand, there is a certain respect for older people, as a result of their value for society. One thing that I have noticed in the UK, with sadness, is that old people, especially old ladies, are often portrayed as meek, incapable and infantile. This picture is very different from the Russian class of belligerent old ladies who are very active in trying to fight for their rights, restore justice, give instructions to younger people and tell them off. You can often hear phrases like “Have respect for his/her age!” which I have never heard in the UK. Putting your parents in an old people’s home in Russia is considered to be shameful and socially unacceptable. As a result, old people’s homes are rather grim and depressing places, full of people who have lost their family and found themselves alone and helpless.
And finally, one sad aspect of Russian family life is the decline in the birth rate. Russians are a dying nation, because most families have just one child, and having more than 2 kids is extremely unusual and is looked upon as weird! President Putin, who got concerned about the situation, introduced a stimulus package for women who have a second baby: they are given a 10 thousand US dollar equivalent as a bonus from the state (in the form of a deposit in a bank, not in the form of instant cash!) and that seems to have improved the demographic situation a bit.
So when you hear a Russian say something like “my kid (“moi rebenok”) needs my help tonight”, don’t assume automatically that it’s an 8 year old wanting help with their school homework. It may be a 30 year old man, twice the size of his mum, needing emergency help with food for a party!